I wrote this today on the writing wall. I reproduce it here for your viewing pleasure.

you just happened to catch me at a bad time. generally I am much more cheerful.

but that sums up my life right now.

it sucks when you meet two people at the same time and grow close to both of them, and fall in love with the male one, only to discover that they are in fact in love with each other.

in other news, probably gonna stay in uptown this summer.  living with bethy and sam.  will be fantastic!

• Internship at camp.  This will entail about 40 hrs of work each week, photographing jr highers and I think a few high schoolers.  I hope my camera doesn’t wear out.  Pros: I will get SO COMFORTABLE with my camera and my lens.  Cons: No pay.  My camera only has so many shutter actuations before it dies.  50,000 is the official number.  I bought it used.  I wish there was a way to figure out how many it’s had.  They say there’s a camera for use at camp.  Hopefully it’s a Canon DSLR – I like my lens, and I have a friend who lends his lenses like a fairy godmother.
• World Literature on Blackboard.  I am EXCITED!  I love literature.
• JONAH!  Oh man.  I get to translate Jonah.  From the HEBREW.  I want to try it without Owens.  This will take 10 years.  But if I get up at 5:00 each morning…lol.  (I plan to not to sleep this summer, btw.)
• Victorian Literature.  I get to read the books for it.  I love literature!
• Road Trips – one to Wisconsin to visit Melanie and James, the other to Ohio to visit Amy.  I would LOVE to do one to Texas to visit Paneyka and JT, but somehowww I doubt that’ll happen.

I beleev that’s it.  That’s still a lot though….oh well.  I’m going to be really stressed…trying to sleep all I can beforehand.

Josh is coming to visit sometime soon!  I’m excited.  I miss him a lot.

“I’ve just come in to warm my hands. It’s cold outside.”
“What?”
“It’s cold outside. I’ve come in to warm my hands.”
“Oh no, you’re fine hon.”

Pause.

“What’re y’all here for?”
“I go to Taylor University. My photography class is having its first field trip.”
“Chose a mighty cold day for it!”
“Yes, it’s cold outside.”
“What’re y’all sposed to take pitchers of?”
“Anything we want to. Anything at all. Actually–” Pause. “–would you mind if I took your picture?”
“My-my pitcher. You wanna take my pitcher?”
“Yes, please, if you don’t mind.”
“Sure, go ahead!”

Pause.
Pause.
Pause.

“One, two, three–”

Click.

“Thank you.”
“No problem, hon.”

Pause.

“Well, I should get going–”
“Hold on a sec.”

Pause.

Snap.

“Here ya go, hon.”
“Wow. Wow, thank you, I really appreciate it.”
“No problem, hon. It’s mighty cold outside.”
“Yes. It’s cold outside.”

Pause.

Door bangs shut.

The prof was impressed with my gesture drawings though, I might take Photobooth snapshots of a few of them and put them up here for you to see.  I’m quite proud of some of them.

My roommate is stressing because she can’t find jewelry.  I think it’s vaguely ridiculous.

I haven’t done my Hebrew yet.  I may or may not do it.  I think I will actually…I need to keep good grades.  I may head off to the library or something…heh.  Thank God for peanut butter & cheese crackers.

Adding to this entry slightly later on in the day…I did my Hebrew homework.  Go me!  I even got lunch.

On the way from lunch to class, I talked to this guy in my dorm…let’s call him Franceaux…and we had a good conversation.  For some reason this seems to happen often.  I eat lunch at 11:30, I leave at 11:50 or so, and Franceaux and I walk over to the building that we both have class in.  It’s becoming sort of a tradition.  We converse about the most random of things.  Franceaux is a great guy, he’s a little bit OCD and gets aggravated if things don’t go his way…but in my mind this makes him funny, because he just gets so aggravated….lol.  So I laugh at him a lot, but he doesn’t seem to mind.  It’s a good friendship.  YAY sane boys!!

Peanut butter on cheese crackers really is the oddest combination possible, but it’s OH SO GOOD!!

Go Go Gadget Ears is still Mr. Awkward Pants.  The theory of literature is still incredibly fascinating.  Hebrew is still hilarious, especially with the class clowns (“the Terrible Two”).  Hall worship is tonight, it should be fun.

I love gesture drawing.  I have a need to do it more often.

I also have a need to tune my violin.  I will go do so.  Ta-ta for now!

Drawing 1 is a BEAST, seriously.  I’ve been drawing hands all week — my left hand is tired of modeling, and my right eye is tired of squinting so’s not to get messed up by the weirdness of three dimensions.  Drew three tonight.  Two of them look good, one is a bit iffy — was a bit of an afterthought.

I really wanted to go to late night prayer group tonight, but when one has an 8:00 it’s not really an option…

So there’s this man, his name is Go Go Gadget Ears (and I’m not just making that up for interwebs purposes, this is actually what my roommate and I call him…he’s not aware of this factoid, heh), and he is seriously the most awkward person on the face of the earth.  We talked like twice and now he is all like “AWKWARD WAVE and that’s it!”  It’s really obnoxious, cause he’s a nice guy and good to talk to for random conversations.  He wasn’t awkward last semester.  I’m angered at him.

I’m also angered at the photo editor for our newspaper.  I keep emailing him because I’m on his training team or whatever, cause all his other togs are about to graduate, but he won’t email me back…I keep putting photos dutifully on the server, but I never hear anything from him.  Possibly he’s just busy, but it’s his own fault, because he’s doing all the sports games and a lot of the random other stories AND all his classes, and if he trusted me enough to be able to get some halfway decent bball shots he wouldn’t be so busy.  I mean, come on, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me but that doesn’t mean he has to ignore me…

What else?  

Squid’s friend doesn’t like me, and it makes me sad.  Said friend is a nice guy, and I’d like to get to know him, but he deleted me from his facebook friends.

Go Go Gadget Ears was walking behind me as I told this story to my roommate.

Yay.

On a happier note, I…umm…oh yes, I’ve been doing loads and loads of studio work lately.  It is a good time.

Back to drawing…and I haven’t even touched my Hebrew.  Joy!

Don’t worry, I’ll be back writing soon…

portfolio-3

Heh.  And that about sums up my feelings for the moment.

In other news, Psych Guy didn’t say anything substantial to me. That went absolutely nowhere.  I’m a little bit disappointed, but I’m sure I’ll get over it.  He lives off-campus though, so I doubt I’ll really see him around that much…blech.  Men are usually quite stupid.  Our bathroom wall has word magnets.  I made the sentence “I really like him but the man is clueless”….so true.  He really was.  He knows some other girls that I know though, so maybe we’ll run into each other?  

Ooooof, I meant to write more, but then I took a shower, and watched a few episodes of Psych (great show!  I really like it — Shawn is definitely pretttttty attractive, altho I think Lassie might be my favorite character), coughed my lungs out, used up another sea of Kleenexes, and before I know it it’s 4AM and I have a breakfast date tomorrow!  Gasp!  I slept all day which is why I’m still awake.  Slept from 1 til like 7 this afternoon.  That’s a goodly amount of sleep.

I think I actually dreamed about Kleenexes the other night…

This song makes me inordinately happy.  Yay!

I’ve missed a few days, shame on me.  I should probably be asleep this very moment, but I really don’t care that much — it’s not like I have an 8:00 or anything.  Class doesn’t start until 1.

Not much happened in those days.  Wore my skinny jeans and froze my fingers off trying to get a photograph.  I didn’t even get the photograph…this is as close as I got.  Sad, isn’t it?  I like it..but only a little.  Got Illustrator’d a bit…didn’t quite look like me.  I seem to have lost my glasses, which is a very great pity.  ["they...won't follow me" -- SR3 Bathroom! (the CD's in the bathroom don't contain the song names...problem much?) ]  I’m using my backup pair at the moment.  My previous eye doctor failed at life, apparently, and these are too strong.  I mean seriously, how the heck do you give someone a prescription that’s too strong??  Anyways, I can definitely tell that these are off…in the first place, they’re giving me a gigantor headache, and in the second place, I have to go slightly cross-eyed and concentrate really hard to focus on anything.  I feel more like a camera lens than a person.  It is completely a mystery as to where my actual glasses are.  I’ll have to clean up this mess of a room…

Today has been pretty normal…but a depressing normal.  Like everything happens that you expect to happen, but in a more depressing way.  ["I've got a cupboard..." - The Postal Service]  Psych was normal…except someone had stolen Becka’s and my seats by the time we got there from lunch (which was pretty delicious, btw, spinach and ham and tomato and sprouts salad for the win).  This meant I sat knight-wise in back of the Psych Man.  Like, if I was a knight, and he was a pawn, I could have taken him.  Heh.  He looked back in my corner a couple of times, but I’m still trying to not read too much into it. [Baptize My Mind - Jon Foreman] I think all the people who are in my dorm and also in that class are going to study together, and since he happens to live offcampus, I’ve asked one of the other guys if we should invite him too…I don’t know if he’ll come or not.  He might.  We will seeee…..

Handbells was pretty boring today.  We were minus several billion people, so we did change ringing and hymns instead of normal bells…a little bit disappointing, but that’s alright.  Potential has seemed a little bit saddened lately, which is slightly worrying [Open the Gates - Newsies (the musical)] because he’s usually a pretty happy guy.  I think I’ll pray for him.  I have no idea what’s going on in his life but prayer can never hurt, can it?  And usually it helps.  ["i listen to the wind.." -- SR3 Bathroom!] 

Hall worship, though, was brilliant and definitely worth it.  I adore hall worship, I think it’s one of the best things we do as a dorm.  My violin, however, is horrendously and worryingly out of tune, which meant I couldn’t play at all.  [Shine Like Crazy - Out of the Grey]  The guy who leads is really talented at guitar…it was hilarious though, we tried really hard to sing some song, I’ve forgotten which song it was, but the leader guy didn’t know it so he got someone else to figure out what note it started on…and she picked the wrong note.  So we were all singing along to her note, and the leader was kind of softly and confusedly picking away determinedly at his guitar, and sounding completely odd, and being so confused about what on earth he was doing wrong, because those were the chords, weren’t they?  Hahaaa.  And then we tried to sing Jesus Freak and that didn’t really work either.  

Did psych homework after that — what a drag — and then headed down to the lounge to just hang out.  I watched some people play this computer game that was kind of a mix between Settlers and Risk, which was interesting, and talked to Fizziks Man about Van de Graaf generators, which was an excellent and productive conversation.  And that is about all I’ve done today!

I do have some lovely philosophical thoughts though. [Blue Ridge Mountains - Fleet Foxes]  I found this blog and was particularly struck by one of the quotes on it:

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

I have certainly been guilty of doing this myself.  My senior year of high school, especially — I absolutely hated school that year, and was so so so so so ready to move on to college.  In retrospect, I think I really missed out on a few meaningful opportunities that I completely overlooked because I was so unhappy with where I was.  I have a friend who’s struggling with this at the moment (and he happens to be the only person I actually and really know who has the link to this blog — he may or may not read it…sorry if I offend you)  [English House - Fleet Foxes] and it’s been a learning experience for me.  Since I have a different perspective from him, I can see that if he decided to be happy with where he is, he would be so much better off.  It also happens with people here at college who don’t seem to want to be here, and I’m like “Dude, just get happy!”  I think I could have been much more miserable in my last year of high school if I had chosen to focus on “I’m not at college, therefore life sucks.”  I actually did this in the first semester, and then decided to get happy second semester…didn’t even try over the summer though.  Summer was miserable.

One more quote:

I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

First of all, I adore this song, and second of all, I think it speaks extremely well about the nature of change. ["how long before i get in" - SR3 Bathroom!]  We can’t make plans for ourselves, because God almost always has something completely different in mind.  We have to wait and see what bigger thing he has in store.  And we have to look forward to it.  I really wish I was more eloquent with words, because I love the message of this song.  Gives me goosebumps every time.  I’m also reminded of the final few chapters of Job, where God says “Look at Me!  How can you even begin to compare yourself to Me?”  God is enormously powerful, and wise, and all-knowing…how on earth can we expect that our own plans would possibly be better than His ideas??  We can’t, is the only real response.  ["my words confuse you" - SR3 Bathroom!]  Who knows what lies in store.  

End!

I am not, however, a different person.  I am a more complete version of the person I have always been.  Let me say that again, louder: I AM A MORE COMPLETE VERSION OF THE PERSON I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.  Different aspects of a person grow and flower with time; it would be a mighty shame to disallow them to do so.  My passion for the Word of God is currently very much in flower, as can be seen by the time I spend on my Hebrew.  My mangled translations of Genesis are the outpouring of my newly formed desire to know.  On a more superficial level, my taste in music is completely different from what it was six months ago, and I bought a pair of skinny jeans today.  Skinny jeans!  Can you imagine?  I always said I would never ever wear skinny jeans!  But as I get to know myself better, things change.

Change itself does not alter who one innately is.  One cannot suddenly become a hateful person just because of a change in location or job or anything like that.  One can choose to react in that way, but it is not merely outside events that change people.  It is how one chooses to process and absorb those events that allows different parts of one’s personality etc. to unfold.  

And that’s all I have to say on the subject!

I missed yesterday’s entry, because I got engrossed in reading summaries of House episodes…lol.  I like House, I think it’s creepy and disturbing and it gives me nightmares but I like it.  I like Psych a lot more tho, I watched that for the first time last night and it was brilliant.  I was incredibly shocked…I was like “Do they even make TV this good anymore????”  My roommate watches One Tree Hill…urgh.  Psych is quality.  Haha, TV…such excellence.

I bought myself a completely different style of clothing that I’ve ever bought before…skinny jeans.  I usually hate skinny jeans.  These look really good on me.  I’m conflicted about them.  I’ll wear them to class, I think, to be all college-y…but somehow I suspect my family would disown me for wearing them.  Not really sure why.  Heh.  

Meh.